A year ago I was just feeling Elizabeth's flutters in my womb. Now I enjoy nursing her and making her giggle. :) A year ago I didn't know what to expect of her delivery, wanting to embrace the experience but also feeling timid about the "unknowns" and "what ifs". As the date of delivery drew near I gathered much strength in knowing that God created me to deliver babies. With each of my babies I've had to struggle through doubts and fears that I have to resolve. By the day of Lizzie's delivery the fears had all been washed away and I was able to fully embrace her birth.
The power of birthing a child is indescribable. I never knew before I had babies that there is so much strength in our bodies. The delight of delivering with my husband is indescribable. How wonderful to have his strong, loving arms around me and then to have his hands be the hands that deliver our baby into my arms. Also, the delight of experiencing that with my mom, to have her tender touch and knowing words encourage and strengthen me is also indescribable. I love to have a roomful of women at my births and what a delight to have Celesta (my midwife), Joanne, Melodie, Christy, Dora, and my sweet Polish assistant whom I can't remember her name at the moment. Also, Emilie watching the children. What a very precious, nurturing way to bring a sweet baby into the world.
The delight of having my fourth child was very real, but it also made me face the harsh reality that I am a very selfish person. I never knew how much I enjoy alone time, to be able to have everyone quiet at the same time. I've had to face different discipline issues with the children that I have never faced before. I've had to face the fact that I am incompetent and unprepared as a mother. I have never felt so overwhelmed and yet not had time to sit and quietly figure out how to fix my problems. Everything is moving too fast to sit. Someone is always needing me and I have so little of me to pass around.
My high points are numerous: I have loved being a wife, watching my husband grow and develop more in his teaching skills, become more assertive, and become a man whose heart truly seeks after his Maker. I had to step back and watch him experience the false arrest, nothing that I could say or do to keep him with me. Having him return home a victorious man, in spite of the injustice. Watch the Chief of Police apologize to him and there be no vengeance or guile in Joe's heart towards the wrong that was done him. I love and admire who Joe is so much and I have only grown deeper in my love and admiration this year. I am amazed that God has allowed me to be his helpmate.
I have also loved challenging my children, playing with my children and teaching my children. I was not prepared for how delightful it would be to unlock language with my son, to do crafts with my daughter or puzzles with my other son. The special challenge of teaching music to children that may not even have the fine motor skills to accomplish the task, yet trying to conceal from them that challenge was so fun! I have loved teaching and working with my children. I have found one of my favorite things is going for a bike ride with them...I'm often stretched to the limit and thinking that I will only do this when Joe and I can go together, but then we make it home alive and energized for the next time. :)
I have loved having talks with my mom and Joe's mom. They are two woman whom I admire and learn so much from. With our mother's I am forced to be who I am and they accept and encourage me from where I am.
I have enjoyed teaching Sunday school and thinking about the curriculum. I have surprised myself that I enjoy teaching a group of students so much! In fact, I've discovered that I like to teach more than I like to do music! It is so delightful to have a roomful of attentive ears eager to hear the next thing I have to say.
When Joe and I were engaged (which happened 8 years ago today!!!), we often talked about the man that was given a ball with a string coming out of it. The string was time. He had the power to pull it at will,but whatever he pulled could never be put back in. During our engagement we wanted to pull that string so badly, but those were such precious moments that we so wanted to enjoy to the fullest. We worked hard at enjoying every moment.
Well, this stage I've often felt that I'd love to pull the string. Everything can seem so full and exhausting I'd like to know that it is in the past, well done. But oh! These sweet children! I can never call back their childhood, enjoy their full attention and be the center of so many of their thoughts and ambitions. I must embrace the sacrifice in order to have a foundation of memories and investments that I can be thankful that God entrusted to me.
My closing thought: I remember when my dad was my age! :)
This was on the sliding glass door when I came in this morning. :)
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